Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
