I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
