I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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