Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
