i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
