Swine flu. Run for my life!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
