I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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