Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
