Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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