You made me cry and you don't even care
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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