Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
