when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
