I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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