the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
