new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
