I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
