Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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