I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
