He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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