Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
