gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
