im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
