You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
