Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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