Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
