FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my shit smells like andre
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
