well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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