These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
