u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
