Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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