I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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