I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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