You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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