Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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