Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
