forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
