I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
