I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
