yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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