every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
