I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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