Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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