i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
