Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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