p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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