I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
