A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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