I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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