So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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