I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
