so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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