I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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