I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
