she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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