honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
