You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
