Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
