I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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