i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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