he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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