Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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