When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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