I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
