went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
